Journal of V

Malam ini sedih rasanya which is seharusnya kesedihan itu merupakan sesuatu yang sangat biasa buat Ivon. Perpisahan paling berat sudah gw alami dan sudah berjalan cukup lama. Namun perpisahan malam ini ternyata masih bisa membuat gw sedih. Setelah 1 hari yang sangat menyenangkan hah…uda lama ga tertawa begitu. It’s weird that you always come when I need you. I’ll miss this moment and these people around you. They are just loveable. Malam ini gw sepertinya sudah mengaplikasikan yg terberat dari teori buku yang gw baca. Kalahkan egomu sendiri, keinginan sendiri =) It’s really funny that my heart whispered “mau mau mau” but I typed “No”. Ada jeda sejenak berpikir bukankah ini yg gw mau dulu? Gw pun berpikir kali ini gw yakin you’ll treat me good or even better. Sampai mau ngetik “Aku sayang kamu”. Godaan yang cukup berat. Tapi di sisi lain gw berpikir tentang keluargamu dan keluarga gw. Gw melawan keinginan ini untuk bisa menyenangkan semua orang. Jika gw kembali lagi sepertinya orang tuamu akan terbebani lagi sementara dari ceritamu saja beban pikiran beliau sudah cukup banyak ya. Lagi gw harus pusing mikir perbedaan kita dan apa yang harus dilakukan. Keluarga gw pasti juga akan bertanya2 ngapain lagi sih padahal dulu uda diperlakukan begitu, seneng bener ga kapok. Mencoba untuk menghindari semua masalah itu. hahaha…bahkan sampai gw ngetik ini gw masih mempertimbangkan keputusan gw. Maybe NOW is just not our time. Wish you a very good luck and me listen to “Big Girls Don’t Cry”
02.11.08

Butterflies of Hopes

This morning I woke up and felt that I really want to write something about my thought recently. Then I searched a song that may pop an idea for me =) I remember this song (”Like You’ll Never See Me Again” by Alicia Keys) and I started to search via youtube (sounds like someone?). I can never be by myself. I always need someone to take care of me. I miss the moment where there is a person I can share almost everything. I miss the moment where I was so proud of someone for whatever the reasons are. I do miss these moments but I never want to go back to where I was or how I was. I accept my faith and I am happy with my present. Until I met a person who have been my family’s favorite. They say he is nice and I try to make myself to like him. I make it, I like him with all his uniqueness and he is the only person that I want. I want to say “I miss you” when we talk to each other but I can’t because I don’t want to scare you away. I wanted to touch your face and give a light kiss on your forehead when we meet but again I can’t.All I can do is to brighten your day with my smile. It’s getting harder when I knew there is a condition that he might not want to accept and it happens to me. I don’t know, should I lie, should I be quiet and wait ‘til you find out yourself? Or should I tell you and be ready to lose you (again?). I feel the passion of love and a will to give the best love. I wonder if you want to accept or give me a chance to love you with an imperfect condition of me. There is another way err…I’ll tell you the truth and I’ll be giving up on you at the same time because I don’t want you or anyone else break me up for what I am. If I could turn back time and If only I had known that I would meet you I would have been do anything to be able to give you myself completely.

I just got a message hehehe…saying "I’m not the right person for you to be with". A li’l bit surprise what makes you say this statement. I was confused, you say it’s because you just read my blogs and I wonder did I ever write something about you hmm…After finishing my last writing I decided to reminisce a bit from the beginning of my writings. I read and read and read the ups dan downs in my life…I suddenly laughed out loud I just realized why you say the statement hahaha…It’s all because of my a li’l bit dramatized words hehehe…Oh here I go again I should explain that there is nothing to do with him in my blogs…But why should you think so by the way? Yeah you might forgot but I ever confessed that I like you and that’s it. I don’t want to put too much hope to myself. I am trying to enjoy every moments in my life and the moments included you in it. Don’t worry I don’t think that you are the right person too at least for now but you are nice, lovely, and somehow confusing (with the most portion for confusing part hehe..). Umm…the right person for me is someone who is not going to break this heart into pieces like everyone did. Udah ah harus bikinin blog buat si adek sayang =)

August 15th I lost something precious again. Um..or maybe not too precious? Ga jelas dengan how I exactly feel. Kacau? Iya. Lega? Iya juga. Keinginan untuk balik lagi? Antara mau dan tidak. Muter otak juga what kind of effort yang harus gw lakukan lagi to save my relationship next time. Somehow this idea is getting stronger that I think I am the only one who has the strong willing to share an unconditional love in whatever the condition is. I held a belief that nothing can stop the love when it is in its action =) I don’t mind sharing my love to so many people but somehow I feel so damn exhausted having these adventures. I would be very thankful if I can find the last stop now…last port, last shuttle, anything you name it but please let it be the last for me. Please no more games being played, no more to be fooled…What is your intention anyway to play and fool me?

Ternyata hatiku sangat terluka
Terluka karena kepergian sosok luar biasa
Terluka karena kasih mereka kini tinggal kenangan
Terluka karena belum membalas jasa mereka
Terluka karena belum menjadikanku sebagai kebanggaan kalian
Terluka karena belum mengatakan “Aku sangat menyayangi kalian”
Terluka karena memang kalian sumber inspirasi dalam hidupku

Namun bersyukur karena Tuhan menganugerahkanku kalian
Bersyukur karena aku tumbuh oleh kalian yang istimewa,
dan aku pun jadi istimewa.
Bersyukur karena cinta kalian yang begitu besar

Terimakasih Tuhan atas hadiahmu  walaupun sesungguhnya sangat berharap mereka dapat menemaniku menelusuri babak demi babak kehidupanku… Namun aku tetap bersyukur padaMu atas semua yang ada padaku…

ps.dad (25.01.08) & grandpa (19.07.08)

Today I love you more than yesterday,
but not as much as tomorrow

I broke my own heart so you couldn’t.
Be careful this heart is fragile.
I let you love me and you broke my heart.
Maybe I’m not ready for love.

To the world you maybe one person,
but to one person you maybe the world.

Never let go

I currently feel in love.
I need you and I miss you and I love you
Just don’t say that I never loved you, please?
I don’t think you realize,
how easily you make me smile.

I want to spend forever in your arms.
My heart aches whenever I think about you.

You broke my heart,
so I put it back together with glue.

It’s funny how someone can break your heart
and you can still love them with all the little pieces.
You hurt me so much when all I did was to love you.
How could the one I give my heart to break my heart so bad?

Nobody’s perfect until you fall in love with them
I don’t know what else to do,
I can’t go on not loving you.
Do fairytales come true?

I want to hold on but you are slipping
and I am about to lose you.
I wish I could’ve told you,
I love you.

You break the heart you buy it.

20. 01. 08
10.50
That day that time,
I kissed a man
An old man with white hair.
A man with a skinny body.
The best man ever.
A lifetime inspiration.
That was not exactly a happy moment.
But a moment I will always keep in mind.
Since the kiss on your forehead
I have let you go…
Love you daddy…

Why do I love you
With all my heart?
Why did I fall for you
From the start?

Why do you cause me
So much pain?
Why do you stick to my heart
Like a stain?

Why couldn’t I see
You weren’t gonna stay?
Why did I believe
You were gonna take the pain away?

Why did you play my heart
Like a game?
Why couldn’t you ever
Feel the same?

Why do I sit
In my room all alone?
Why do I pray
You would call my phone?

Why can’t I stop thinking of you,
Why can’t I say goodbye
Why do I still get jealous
When I see you with another girl?

Why do you come back in my life
As soon as I’m letting go?
Why do I still get butterflies
When you just say hello?

Aku bersyukur atas hari itu

Tanpa hari itu, hari ini takkan begitu berwarna

Tanpa Hari itu jiwa ini takkan begitu lepas

Tanpa hari itu semangat ini takkan begitu menyala

Aku berterimakasih atas hari itu

Tanpa hari itu aku takkan begitu menghargai waktuku

Tanpa hari itu aku takkan begitu membuka mataku

Tanpa hari itu aku takkan begitu menyadari sekelilingku

Hari itu aku mengibarkan bendera perang atas diriku dan keinginanku

Perang penuh taktik dan pembelajaran atas diriku

Hari itu tak kuindahkan luka ini

Semakin kupikirkan semakin sakit terasa

Biar biarkan sembuh sendiri

Hari ini kucoba cari lukaku

Hampir tak berbekas namun masih jelas sakit hari itu

Namun aku bisa mengingatnya dengan sebuah senyuman

Aku seharusnya tahu hari itu awal dari hari ini

Hari ini yang begitu melelahkan namun menyenangkan

Hari ini sebuah pembelajaran baru kuterima

No, never feel this content in my life…

I was fallen from the highest point

It hurts ‘til you can’t exactly feel anything

The tiny world has no more heartbeat

It lost its pride

It was the darkest moment of the tiny world

But wind never stops whispering …

With the remaining faith the tiny world has

It knows it’s not alone facing the catastrophe

It knows the sun is about to rise

Uncover the tiny world from the darkness

With the remaining faith the tiny world has

It never ask when

It also know the sun will not rise for good

It knows as crystal clear the sun isn’t its

The tiny world can’t say “I love you, sun.”

The words stop at its lips and pronounced as “I care about you, sun.”

So this is love at the first sight?

Have no words to describe sun

Not an extraordinary sun

Its Simplicity has attracted the tiny world

The sun gives nothing but light, warmth and new spirit

The tiny world knows it can’t possess the sun, so…

The tiny world just have one wish…

No matter it closes or opens its eyes, all that it wants is to see the sincere smile of the sun eternally.